The Forge

Here's to another year of trying to see Anberlin in concert and succeeding in seeing Relient K in concert.

I spent the evening figuring out a way to connect two one-dollar inflatable killer whales to a dolly cart so that I can be pulled on my stomach across the stage in front of several hundred students in a bathing suit and wife-beater.

I dare you to beat that.

Despite the fact that only Audrey, David (and recently my brother) claim to visit this page, I'm compelled to post this little tale due to the large group of people that, every time the name Audrey is uttered, ask "who's that again?" Well, you've asked and asked and, hey, who am I to turn down the opportunity for a story? So this is the way Adam met Audrey:

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away from anywhere worth being near (read: Pawling, NY) a lad named Adam opened his mailbox and, among the bills and useless magazines that his parents would later discard into trash receptacles scattered throughout the house, he discovered a box of medium size addressed to him. After reading the return address (the package was from BMG Music), he decided that it was either the group of CDs he had recently ordered or several kilos of anthrax. Figuring that, either way, he was bound to have some fun with the contents, Adam opened the box and extracted several albums of varying genres. Among these was an album with a white and aquamarine cover depicting a busted, well, bust, bleeding aquamarine paint from its white interior. Text complemented the image: Anberlin, Never Take Friendship Personal. Adam ignored the glaringly obvious fact that the adverb ought to have been personally and slid the CD into his stereo system. It would be quite a while before he took the CD back out. Adam, needless to say, fell in love with Anberlin's music. Where, he wondered, have these guys been all my life?After a minute or so went by and no audible voice answered his question, Adam ventured onto the internet and found the band's website.


Fast-forward several months. Adam now owns a second Anberlin album (Blueprints for the Black Market) as well as several alternative tracks he snatched from the band's purevolume page. He is eagerly anticipating the soon-to-be third album, Cities and consequently is quite excited when the band opts to release a track from the album on that same purevolume page: Dismantle.Repair. After listening to this song several times, Adam realizes that he must find the lyrics to it and he unsuspectingly googles "dismantle repair lyrics." Dismayed by the absence of 'reputable' lyrics sites (such as azlyrics or sing365, names that Adam would have recognized), Adam is about to assume the too-new song has not garnered lyrical recording as of yet and goes to close the browser window. Suddenly a link catches his eye: it's a myspace profile, belonging to a person who has chosen the alias Audrey! Start the Revolution. This being Adam's favorite song from Never Take Friendship..., Adam clicks the link.

As the furious anthem of Godspeed rushes through his speakers Adam notices that this 'Audrey' character has painstakingly typed out and posted the lyrics to Dismantle.Repair in her "about me" section for the world to read and enjoy. Before leaving the page, Adam sends Audrey a friend request; he has no intention of forging a relationship with her but he does want to thank her for having the lyrics when no one else did and it seemed the best way to do so.

A few days later Adam signs into myspace and discovers a message waiting for him in his inbox. Wary of the garbage that usually filters through everyone's myspace inboxes on a daily basis, Adam visits his inbox with the intention of throwing his mail in the trash, much akin to the way his parents throw away useless magazines that they get in the mail (ha, and you thought that was pointless filler back there, didn't you?). But it seems that someone out there has other plans, for as Adam opens his inbox he is greeted by a message from none other than the nebulous Audrey! Start the Revolution. The friend request has been accepted and a conversation ensues.

Over the next several months Adam and Audrey become good friends. They are both strong Christians, have passion for music and life, and question the way the world around them works. They subscribe to Relevant Magazine and run blogs on blogger.com. They become wall-hogs on facebook and attack each other's myspace page with meaningless comments. And every time a close friend or relative sees the other's posts, they wonder who on earth this intrusion to equilibrium is and where they came from. This then, is the answer to that question. So if you are a friend or reader of Audrey's I welcome you to the Forge. My name is Adam. If you are a friend or reader of mine, I encourage you to check out Audrey's Revolution. Her name, if you haven't gathered, is Audrey.

The End.



About the friends:
Adam is the mind behind The Forge, located here at theempyrealwordsmith.blogspot.com.
Audrey masterminds Audrey's Revolution, located at audreysrevolution.blogspot.com.

I would like to know who reads what I write. I don't expect a legion of faithful readers to swarm out of the woodwork or anything but it would be nice to know who reads. And since only one or two of you ever comments here, I figured this would be a swell opportunity to inquire. So I guess it's pretty simple...

Post a comment if you read my blog even somewhat often (like every two weeks even). And since this will inevitably be swallowed in the flood of posts-to-come, I encourage you to respond to this even long after it has sunk into the archives if you are reading it for the first time.

Also feel free to introduce yourself/tell me how you found my page. Most likely it was me saying "omg read my blog" but even if that's the case, try to spin it and make it interesting.

Or not.

Not chipmunks; girl scouts. That's right, I've got an issue with girl scouts.

Every new year means a few things. It means you will once more promise yourself that you will lose weight, and once more you won't lose weight. It means that you will become even older than you were last year. It means that concerts, parties, weddings, funerals, seemingly pointless encounters and truly meaningful fellowship are on their way better than ever before. And it means that some little girl with a pretty little smile is going to get you to spend a month's income on, of all things, cookies.

Girl Scouts, Inc. has got its minions of evil everywhere, it seems. Outside grocery stores, in malls, running from door to door with friends (this is not safety in numbers, it's strength in numbers). Even family gatherings and church foyers are fair ground for solicitation. What kills me, though, is how successful the campaign is. The fools that we are allow ourselves to be subjected to this extortion every year with nothing to gain except, maybe, a few pounds. Perhaps this is because we don't know how to fight them. Well, the best way to beat your enemy is to get inside their head, even if it is an 8 year-old blond ponytailed head. So here we go.

Rule 1: Look cute.
Although other abilities will make for bigger and better sales, looking cute is the number one tool used by girl scouts. Many veterans of this war will tell you stories of how a single solider has leveled the playing field against dozens of adults simply by donning a sparkling smile. The assertive voice is a must; there can be no hesitation. In a Barbie-esque fashion, the practiced girl scout manages to scare you into buying five boxes of Samoas with the least menacing smile she is capable of making.

Rule 2: If rule 1 fails, look pathetic.
You've seen it before. The moment you utter the first syllable of the word "no," the disposition changes. Sunny smile fades away and you can almost see the raincloud materialize over the umbrellaless child. Evidently, if she doesn't sell at least 5,000 boxes they will send her back to the orphanage where Miss Hannigan will lock her in a dark room forever, feeding her nothing but stale bread. And you wouldn't want that on your conscience.

Rule 3: If possible, travel in packs.
It's nigh impossible to resist the single girl scout, but when a three-voice chorus responds "an arm and a leg" in unison when you ask how much a box of thin mints is, you're bound to volunteer for immediate amputation. And when little orphan Annie has accomplices to corroborate her sob story, she's sure to steal your sympathy. And your wallet.


There are other rules, I'm sure, but they are kept under lock and key by a secret inner ring. Every cult has its gatekeepers, and I'm personally terrified of encountering anyone higher up than the basest minions. So I offer up these few morsels of wisdom to you. For every grandparent that has been caught off guard at the grocery store; for every soccer mom solicited to on the sidelines and unable to run away from the little devils; for every teenager with a low-paying job and a craving for snickerdoodles-- this one goes out to you. Godspeed.

If you haven't already read it, I encourage you to scroll down and enlighten yourself with Chapter One of The Supermarket Survival Guide. Once you have mastered the basic aspects of supermarket survival, you'll definitely want to extend your knowledge base so you are ready in any situation; hence this second installment.

What the phrase Assorted Varieties means, and what it doesn't mean.
Many times a grocery store chain (or a manufacturer) carries a large variety of similar products. These include yogurt, potato chips, peppers, organic soup mixes and cake batters. With such a myriad of options at your disposal, you may be overwhelmed with the available choices and, in a lapse of judgment, purchase them all. In an effort to prevent needless income, the grocers and manufacturers work together to skew the prices from week to week, so that you'll only buy the cheaper ones. This is also known as putting items "on sale."

Since putting an entire line of products (such as all the organic soup mixes) on sale would defeat the purpose (because everything would still be the same price and thus you'd still end up buying them all), only a selection of the products is available at the lower price. So as to inform you of that minor detail, grocery store fliers include the phrase "assorted varieties" so you know to look out for which items are cheaper and which ones are not. Items designated as "on sale" are the ones that are cheaper. The other varieties (those not designated as having a lower price) are the same price. They are not included in the assorted varieties that are on sale.

So, let's review.

Sometimes, items go on sale.
Sometimes, items on sale are modified by the phrase "assorted varieties."
This means that not all varieties are on sale.
Only items marked as "on sale" are on sale.
For example, even if the flier said "organic soup mixes 50% off," not all the organic soup mixes are available for 50% off because only assorted varieties are 50% off.
If you do not understand these rules, you must pay full price.


Stupid vs. Ugly: The Cashier
I will admit that the majority of grocery store cashiers (indeed, most cashiers) are pimply high school and college students. The remainder are, quite often, pimply adults. *NOTE: many, not all.*

It is very easy to mistake an ugly teenager for a stupid teenager. However I have found (and this is after entirely unbiased observation) that many of the student cashiers are honors or college kids working the job so that they can afford to stay in college. Consequently, the people that you are assuming to be morons are in actuality smarter (and becoming more knowledgeable) than you. We do not mistake your sarcasm, snide remarks, or other obscene utterances for compliments. Your baseless assumptions and nonchalance in castigating our behavior do nothing but infuriate us. Many of the things that I have unflinchingly been told would be deemed "fighting words" by the Supreme Court of this country. So, for future reference, do not assume the cashier to be deficient in intellect unless you want you and your groceries to experience a very "clear and present danger."

Naturally, there are some exceptions. If it turns out that you do have a stupid cashier, evaluate the person's appearance. People who are stupid and attractive, and make it clear that they know they are attractive, deserve to be insulted. People who are stupid and attractive but are too stupid to know they are attractive deserve patience. People who are stupid and unattractive may be slapped.

Again, let's review.

Most cashiers are not stupid, as you assume them to be.
Most cashiers are, in fact, smarter than you.
1. If cashier is incompetent,
a. and attractive
i. and knows it, insult him/her. he/she deserves it
ii. and is unaware, have patience. at least he/she is attractive
b. and unattractive
i. slap him/her. you can't be ugly and stupid


Where you should and should not leave items you decide against purchasing.
There are many circumstances under which you may decide, while waiting on line (or even while checking out), that you aren't going to buy. Such acceptable exceptions include realizing you don't have enough money; realizing that you already have the item at home; you never intended on purchasing it but you went along with it to appease your otherwise screaming child; you didn't meet the minimum total requirement to qualify for a price reduction on the item.

However, whether your reason for leaving the item behind is a good one or not, the only acceptable course of action when you decide not to buy something is to give it to the cashier. This will ensure that perishable items are returned to the proper cool (or hot) environment before they reach room temperature, making them unsellable. As for non-perishables, giving them to a cashier will eventually lead to them being sorted out and returned to the proper location for future customers.

Sadly, people are oblivious to this simple principle, and have in a panic discarded unwanted items in very inappropriate places. These include, but are not limited to:
-In the aisle. When an employee discovers a 3-day old tomato hidden behind a cereal box, the result is a very upset employee and a very bad-smelling cereal section.
-In the magazine racks. Magazine racks, candy racks, baskets, small booths and refrigerators are all located at each register in most grocery stores. These are for your convenience. Although we discourage flipping through the magazines without intent to purchase them, we do not forbid it. We also encourage you to grab a soda for the hot car ride home or a candy bar if you are on the run and can't stop for a nutritious meal (such as organic soup). Needless to say (or I would've thought it'd be needless; nevertheless I must say) these areas are NOT appropriate places to discard unwanted mangoes, soup cans, toys or gallons of ice cream.

In review:

Unwanted items should be given to the cashier, and only the cashier.
Unwanted items should never be left anywhere but with a cashier.


Thank You for everything. But it's getting old, fast.
No one likes a thankless person. When you are breaking your back and ankles standing at a cashier for hours on end just so that people can (of all things) eat and survive, the last thing you need is an ungrateful customer. Even though you may not be complaining to the cashier, a failure to ever once thank them for their services will not go unnoticed.

Unfortunately, some shoppers have become attuned to that fact and, to ensure that they do not come across as ungrateful, say thank you before and after (and sometimes during) every micro-segment of the check-out procedure. For example:

Cashier: How are you today, ma'am?
Customer: I'm well, thank you.
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Customer: Yes I did, thank you.
(Cashier takes bonus card from outstretched hand) Customer: Thank you.
(Cashier begins to scan items. Several items in, customer turns) Customer: Thank you.
(Cashier scans bonus card at end, returns to customer) Customer: Thank you. What was the total?
Cashier: Sixty-six dollars and sixty-six cents, ma'am.
Customer: Thank you.
(Customer counts out cash, opens pocket book) Customer: Sixty-six cents?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: Thank You.
(Cashier takes money from customer, $80 and 66 cents) Customer: Thank You.
(Cashier puts money in register, extracts change, begins to fold receipt/coupons) Customer: Thank You.
(Cashier hands change to customer) Customer: Thank You.
Cashier: Have a nice day, ma'am.
Customer: Thank You.

Unfortunately, that one isn't even an exaggeration. The truth is, when you thank someone for checking half of your groceries out while he is in the process of checking out the other half, you have thanked him too often for him to really care if you are grateful for his services or not.

To summarize:
Say "thank you" once or twice, but not ten or twenty times.


This concludes chapter two of the supermarket survival guide. Please keep in mind that I do not actually endorse discrimination based on intelligence, physical appearance, sex, creed, nationality, etc. But seriously... slow and stupid?

Thank you.

It has come to my attention that an alarmingly large portion of the population is facing a serious epidemic: BSS, which stands for Bad Shopping Syndrome. Or some other syndrome starting with BS. But whatever.

The fact is, I've noticed a disturbing trend. It involves a huge number of 20-120 year-olds who find themselves by surprise with a need to purchase food and clothing. Panicking, they grab a set of keys, hop in their car, and speed off to the nearest supermarket. They dash through the aisles, frantically tossing various items in their cart, and then begin to unload said items on the first conveyor belt that looks remotely available. What follows can only be classified as pandemonium. So, in an effort to avoid future chaos at the register, I've compiled a checklist for you to go through as you prepare for, partake in, and complete your shopping experience.

Firstly, try to figure out what car you are taking and what grocery store you are going to. That may sound rather trivial, but this foresight will help you to avoid saying rather stupid things such as (but not limited to):
"What store am I in again?"
"Here's my Shop Rite card." (This one works well at the A&P and Hannafords).
"My card is on my other set of keys. Can I use yours?"

Next, I have yet to encounter a store that distributes free savings cards that apply a preset discount to your order. Even non-grocers, such as Borders bookstores, issue these cards as an incentive to purchase goods that are designated as on sale. As an employee of the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company, Inc. (also known as the A&P), I can assure you that your bonus card does not work like a slot machine. It only saves you money on items that are marked "sale price w/bonus card." You do not have to wait on the edge of your seat to see if your card will save you money when the only thing you bought was an organic soup mix. If it wasn't clearly marked as a sale item in the aisle or in the weekly flier, it is not going to magically decide to be cheaper when the cashier scans the item into the system.

Speaking of the system, cashiers are not responsible for programming advanced computer systems such as those found in register scanning systems or bottle return machines. They are also not in charge of item pricing, placement, small print that says you must spend a minimum amount before the sale price is valid, or your incompetence when it comes to reading price labels. So, if you have any issue--the temperature of the store, the price of mangoes and Scott toilet paper 12-packs, the inability of the system to calculate your age when you go to buy alcohol and forget to bring ID--please remember that cashiers are paid to scan your items into the system and, maybe, bag them for you. That's all. We don't want to hear your soliloquy. We don't care if you feel inconvenienced. We don't care if you're in a hurry and can't afford to wait on line like everyone else. We just. don't. care.

There are other things we don't care about. Please play along when we are forced to carry on in mindless conversation with you:

When asked, Hi, how are you today? please remember that we don't care how you are today or three Thursdays from now anymore than you want to know about our boss' hair stylist story. Nevertheless, ignoring the cashier is never a recommended course of action. If we need to ask, you need to reply. If possible, reply with I'm well. And how are you? This allows us to lie, say we too are doing well, and then stop talking altogether. However, even if you choose not to memorize that difficult response, please avoid the following reply: "Yes." I wouldn't mention it if I hadn't heard it before, but when I ask you an "a" or "b" question, do not respond with "yes" or "no."

Perhaps the best part of being a cashier is when a customer opts to pay in a medium other than cash. The traditional inquisition is Debit or Credit? Save the few people who have a legitimate excuse for not choosing one of those--people on government welfare who ought to respond EBT or foodstamps--it boggles my mind some of the responses that I have received in response to the Debit or Credit question. Perhaps other cashiers can relate:
"Yes." Once more, an affirmative answer in reply to an "a" or "b" question.
"Do I have to scan it again?" Even before the cashier has had a chance to enter the information, the customer has re-opened his or her wallet and dejectedly slid the card through a machine which is currently waiting a response from the bewildered employee. Sometimes the customer is angry about being forced to re-run the card, despite the fact that all the cashier needed was a simple "debit" or "credit" reply.
Silence. Some people just don't answer. Then when you ask again, they respond in an irritated manner "I hit credit, did it not go through?" Followed by "Do I have to scan it again?"

Up until now, however, the problems I've listed are somewhat minor offenses. Pay close attention to the following section, because it is here that many people fail miserably.

Once upon a time, the incandescent light bulb was invented. It involves electricity surging through a piece of metal to create light. It becomes wildly popular and people put incandescent bulbs pretty much everywhere. Then, one day, someone working at a grocery store has the brilliant idea that, instead of little signs that say "open" or "closed," you could equip registers with incandescent lights to alert customers to exactly which registers were ready for business and which ones were not.

Lesson 1: Lights at registers indicate that the register is open for business.

As anyone who works a day job (and probably quite a few others) knows, you cannot just work for eight hours straight without a break. To a lesser extent, part-time employees working a 4-hour shift are entitled (at least at the A&P) to a short break in between several hours of standing (which hurts the feet, legs and back). This break is, for many, a necessity. It provides for some a chance to eat, for others a chance to just rest legs. Still others use it to break out a cell phone and communicate with a friend or loved one. Today I used it to buy a peanut butter shake at Baskin Robbins and to purchase some Dr. Scholls gel pads. But that's not really what's important. The point is, in order for someone to take their break, they must stop working. When it is time to go on break, the person is instructed to turn his or her light off. This should be a signal to all future customers that, whether or not there is a person behind the register or a customer on the line, the cashier is not accepting any new customers.

Lesson 2: If a register light is off, it probably means the person is going on break.

When 5 o'clock PM rolls around here in America, cars begin to pile out of businesses and parking lots. That's because people are done with their work for the day. They have spent the past hour or more staring intently at the minute hand, anxiously awaiting that freedom. If you try to stop someone from leaving his desk at 5:01, you should expect to have a paperweight thrown at your head. Similarly, a cashier (who hates his job. No grocery store cashier actually likes the job) who is ready to leave for the day is very aware of the time. He has no interest in staying any longer than he has been scheduled to do, and will not take kindly to those that seek to impede his departure. Like the person going on break, a cashier who is leaving for the day (without a replacement) will turn the light off at his register. Don't even think about unloading your items at that register.

Lesson 3: If a register light is off, it could mean the person is leaving for the day.

Lesson 4: A light that is out always means the register is closed. If you must, feel free to ask the cashier to verify whether or not he forgot to turn on his light, but you should never assume that the lane is open.

Lesson 5: The light system is in place for good reason. Don't ignore the lights. Don't forget to look at the light before you go to use the lane.

Also, and I don't think this is a majority by any means, but the demographic definitely exists:
If you are the kind of person that tries to sneak in when the cashier isn't looking, unloads a bunch of stuff, and then pretends to be surprised when you are informed that the cashier is closed (so that he has no choice to send you elsewhere).... If you are one of those people, I hate you and you deserve to burst into flames and fall into a bottomless pit until the flames consume you.

Or something nice like that.


Other basic etiquette:
Don't be talking on your cellphone for the majority or entirety of your checkout process. It is extremely rude and will result in me grabbing a few packs of gum for myself and scanning them into your order because you aren't paying attention to me anyway.

Don't forget things back in the store (or your wallet out in the car). Although the cashier may be gracious enough to let you go and get the missing item, it requires all the other waiting patrons to stand idly by because of your inadequacies.

Now that the secret of the bonus card has been revealed, you don't need to stand there and stare blankly at the screen while items pile up to the side of the cashier. You should use that time to bag your own groceries, and then if you have questions about prices you can ask them after the bonus card has been scanned through.

Anyhow, I'm sure I could go on, but that's enough survival for one day.
Now go listen to Making April.