The Forge

Grove City, PA 4:16 PM
In a shocking turn of events the body of New York native Adam Bogert was found riddled with nerf darts after an anonymous hitman aimed a gun through his window and shot him six times.

It had been an interesting 48 hours for the young student of the local college. Those closest to him could tell he was getting anxious about something. "You're probably the most paranoid one of all of us" rommmate Carl is reported as having said mere hours before in a sickly prophetic jest.

Reports say that Adam had been involved in a dangerous game involving unsolicited executions of varying degrees of heinous. Himself a proud owner of five "Bic" brand sharpie-immitators, Adam wasn't exactly the innocent boy those around him assumed him to be. In fact, police were still comparing ink samples from Adam's black sharpie to those found on the neck of hall-mate Steven Ammerman, who'd been discovered the night before as his friends gathered to watch Rogue Pictures' film, Hot Fuzz.

Another disturbing turn of events was the death of Adam's friend and roommate Luke Johnston, found less than an hour before with a deep gash across his own jugular. Eyewitness reports place Adam on the scene, though no one has come forward with enough information to fully incriminate him in that murder either.

One thing is for certain though: Adam was sitting serenely at his HP tablet PC, about to work on his programming homework, when an as-yet unidentified attacker thrust his arm through the open window and launched several Nerf-brand darts into his temple. This ought to have sufficed, but the sadistic invader evidently saw fit to unload the rest of his weapon into the student's carcass, leaving quite the mess for the clean-up crew to deal with upon arrival. (One of the darts is still missing, as of the last report).

In view of the week's past murders, this act in particular speaks loudly of cowardice. Whereas some of Adam's fallen comrades had told brave stories of how a would-be assassin was foiled and overtaken with his own weapon, Adam never had a chance. Much like the ancient Spartans despised their enemies for using unfair and unskillful weapons such as bows and arrows, Adam is known to have thought the Nerf gun a cheap alternative to the Sharpie method (or its alternatives, the bomb and the poisoning). Requiring minimal proximity and no hand-to-hand skill, those killed by the Nerf gun (and Adam is as yet the only in that category) can be picked off with no warning and no chance to fight back against their attacker. Some call this witty; this reporter calls it wimpy.

Nevertheless, the prowler is still at large, and there's no telling when he will strike again. Police are asking for the local community's support. If you have seen or heard anything suspicious, please don't call extension x3000.

In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton is still running for President. It's not a good day to be a New Yorker.


PS: so as not to alarm the uniformed public, this article is entirely fabricated. No lives were actually harmed nor were any weapons used on or in the surrounding area of Grove City College, PA.